Gee, Inspector Javert!
by Soleil la bijoutiere
Summary: Have you ever wondered what happens when you put West Side Story and Patron-Minette together? A parody, of course! Rated T for language. Don't say I didn't warn you!


**Gee, Inspector Javert**

This bit of insanity that attempts to be a parody was born this way: A certain newbie fanficcer you know was enjoying the immortal "Gee, Officer Krupke" song from West Side Story, when a little idea took form in her enigmatic head: What would happen if the ruffians of Patron-Minette did their own version of the song?

**Annoying disclaimer:** Since Victor Hugo has been dead for more than a hundred years and the copyright has expired, this disclaimer is just to point that I don't own West Side Story or the "Gee, Officer Krupke" song lyrics. Stephen Sondheim wrote them, Leonard Bernstein wrote the music, Arthur Laurents wrote the script and Jerome Robbins & Robert Wise directed the 1961 movie. I'm just a fangirl with little to no social life.

**P. S: **Just to be sure I won't get flames about historical inaccuracy: Psychology _was_ known to the French in 1832. I'm sure an average member of Patron-Minette wouldn't have the first idea of what the word meant, but since this is a parody, call it artistic license.

Gueulemer (as Javert): You!

Montparnasse: Who, me, sir?

Gueulemer: Yes, you! Give me one good reason not to take you to the Préfecture, devil's dandy! (Whacks his hat off with Babet's newspaper)

Montparnasse: Dear, kindly inspector Javert

You have to understand

It's just our family's avert

That got us out of hand

Our mothers were all trollops

Our fathers were all drunks

Golly Moses, naturally we're punks! (Puts his hat back on)

All: Yes, Inspector Javert, we're very upset

We never had the love that every child ought to get

We are no delinquents, we're misunderstood

Deep down inside us there is good

Montparnasse: There is good!

All: There is good, there is good, there is untapped good

Very deep, the worst of us is good

Gueulemer: Such a touching good story!

Montparnasse: Let me tell it to the world!

Gueulemer: Just tell it to the judge!

Montparnasse: Dear, kindly Judge, your Honor

I grew up in the street

My parents were pick-pockets

They wouldn't give me a thing!

They didn't want to have me

But somehow, I was had!

God, Saint Agnes, that's why I'm so bad!

Babet (as Judge): Right! Inspector Javert, you're really a square

The only thing he needs is an apothecary's care

It is just a trauma that requires to be cured

He is psychologically disturbed!

Montparnasse: I am disturbed!

All: We're disturbed, we're disturbed, we're the most disturbed!

Yes, we're psychologically disturbed!

Babet: Hear this, hear this! In the opinion of this court, this child is traumatized because he did not have a normal childhood.

Montparnasse: Hey, I'm traumatized!

Babet (Whacks his hat off again with the newspaper): So take him to a hypnotizer, go!

Montparnasse (clutching the hat): My father is a bastard

My mother is a whore

Grand-père is always plastered

Grand-mère was, too, a whore

I'm lucky I'm not a woman

If it had been that way

I'd be, too, a prostitute today!

Thénardier (as the hypnotizer): Yes! Inspector Javert, he shouldn't be here

What he really needs is just a useful career

Society is cruel to those without class

He is just one more outcast

Montparnasse: I'm an outcast!

All: We're outcasts, we're outcasts, we are all outcasts!

And it's all because we have no class!

Thénardier: In my opinion, this boy does not need to be hypnotized. Crime is merely a social disease.

Montparnasse: Hey, I have a social disease!

Thénardier (Tries to whack him, but 'Parnasse bents and avoids the newspaper): So get him to work! Go!

Montparnasse: Dear, kindly philanthropist

They tell me get to work

To be just an employee

Means just that you're a dork!

It's not I'm anti-social

I'm only anti-jobs!

Gloriously, that's why I cut throats!

Brujon (as philanthropist): Yuck! Inspector Javert, you've done it again!

This boy don't need a job, he just needs a _cadène_!

This is not a question of misunderstood

Deep down inside him, he's no good!

Montparnasse: I'm no good!

All: We're no good, we're no good, we're no earthly good!

Yes, inside, the best of us is not that good!

Babet: The trouble is he's lazy!

Thénardier: The trouble is he drinks!

Brujon: The trouble is he's crazy!

Claquesous: The trouble's he's a creep!

Panchaud: The trouble is he's growing!

Boulatruelle: The trouble is he's grown!

All: Javert, we have troubles of our own!

Oh, Inspector Javert, we're down on our knees

Montparnasse: 'Cause no-one wants a boy who has a social disease!

All: Inspector Javert, what are we to say? Please, Inspector Javert

Go to hell!


End file.
